Perfectly Imperfect

I’m the girl you love to hate. I have a marriage envied by most. My children aren’t just beautiful; they are intelligent, kind, and loving people. My body is bangin’ and I eat healthy all the time. My house is always impossibly clean, I’m always dressed stylishly, and I always seem to know what to say. Who am I? An illusion!

She is not perfect. She’s terrified her marriage will fall apart because she’s insecure and has been left before. Her worst fear is being a horrible mother because hers wasn’t present enough to lead by example. She sees flaws in her body that you don’t and eats powdered donuts by the bag behind her cabinet door when no one is looking. Oh yeah, she also eats fast food, but only in her car in the back of some empty parking lot so no one can see her. Her house is a wreck, just ask her. She envies young girls in their stylish clothes and secretly wishes her budget would allow her to buy more, though she doesn’t want to be defined by her appearance. She has a way with words (it’s her gift) but  often has no idea how to solve her own problems and doesn’t take her own advice.

Don’t judge her! The reality is there are a lot of women like this. They are your neighbor, friend, co-worker, or maybe….you? You look perfect on the outside because you have an overwhelming desire to be perfect. Unfortunately that desire causes such turmoil within you, you can never be happy with yourself. Sure, you can function and most of the time are able to find your own version of happiness that gets you through your day well enough. Then there’s the dark side. The place you slip into that feels like you can never escape. The place where that mean girl in your head tells you that you aren’t good enough. You aren’t worthy of love or friends. Or happiness. In that place you feel like you are watching your life on a movie screen. You’re trying to scream at the girl on the screen that she’s awesome. That it’s okay. Just snap out of it because there really is a perfect life waiting for her where people love and need her. Unfortunately, she can’t hear you. She’s too busy being miserable. Although she does wonder why her friends don’t notice something is wrong, making her even more miserable. Of course they didn’t notice because she holds it together so well; they envy how perfect she is.

It’s hard to get out of that darkness. No one understands. I’m here to tell you, that’s where you’re wrong. There are a LOT of women who go through this. A lot of women have seen the darkness and have lived to tell about it. People you know who are just like you, but too ashamed to admit it. JUST LIKE YOU. They think you are holding it all together and you would laugh in their face if you knew the craziness they felt.

 There is light at the end of the tunnel, my friends. Once you reach the light, the logical part of your brain is able to understand how “crazy” you were while you were in the darkness. Reach out to someone you trust. When you want their help the least is when you will need it the most. They can help you get through that darkness and back into the light where you are perfectly imperfect. Don’t be afraid. You are so worth it!

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.”  ~ Anne Lamott

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2 thoughts on “Perfectly Imperfect

  1. GoddamnGoddamnGodDAMN! We’re you a fly on my wall? Were you SPYING on me? Where were you?…….Sadly, I spent about 15 years in hell. And married to a narcissist who didnt give a CRAP or even NOTICE, “Hey! She didn’t USED to be like this. Hmm. Maybe I should call her neurologist who has had her on different antidepressants over the years…THAT NEVER SEEM TO DO ANY GOOD. Nah. It’s all in her head. She’s just a lazy-ass who would rather sleep all day….”.
    After a particularly tumultuous fight, ending with him telling me to leave and then him calling the cops to submit a police report (where he exxagerated AND lied), I finally went to a mental health place for an evaluation. Turned out I have Cyclothymia – a “mild” form of Bipolar. Was prescribed (eventually up to 200mg), and….WOW!!! It’s been a year now. Hubs kicked me out, telling everyone I was psycho. Took out a restraining order. (He had already filed for divorce 5 months after my diagnosis, which I got the week he he demanded a separation or a divorce. I’ve grieved. And I’m ok with “losing” him. Cuz I didn’t lose MUCH, right?! I didn’t HAVE depression. And I didn’t have “Depression that’s often-times caused by migraines, or that migraineurs tend to also suffer from”, as the Neuro said. My brain chemicals never responded to just the antidepressants. I tried to THINK they made a difference. (A placebo effect?). Only when I started on the mood stabilizer did I finally remember what it was like to WANT to wake up each day. Or to wake up REFRESHED. Or to not have that unyielding desire to go back to bed mid-morning. I began to get things ACCOMPLISHED. “HAH!! I’m NOT lazy!” I said more to myself than to HIM.
    If your life is gray, dull, tired, and you just can’t seem to do anything. You’re doing the bare minimum, and it’s not enough. You just want to escape. Even if you DO go on vacation, it’s stressful and you get into arguments or you’d STILL rather sleep all day…LISTEN to me: STOP making excuses! No, if the economy was better, you WOULDN’T feel better! No, if you and your husband were on better terms or he was more affectionate, that STILL wouldn’t solve the issue. No, a lovely vacation WON’T pull you out of your “slump”…that has been going on for ages. Your dark world is controlled by your brain chemicals. And let me TELL you: It’s fucking with your thoughts, babe! It’s LYING to you – both about WHY you feel like shit, AND about things that affect your self-esteem. I’d like to tell each and every person who experiences depression to PLEASE research Bipolar and Bipolar-Spectrum disorders. Look, it sucks to have a crazy-sounding disorder. But it sucks MORE to waste your life trying to feel happy again. If you don’t have a mood disorder (that’d be bipolar. See? Doesn’t sound so scary when you use “mood disorder”, huh?), then great! But if you think you do, let the docs try you on a med and see if it makes a diff. If you DO have a Mood Disorder, well, it’s your secret. It may have a stigma, but refusing to go check it out, or accepting that you MIGHT be Bipolar, or deciding to start meds….that’s just stupid.
    Good Luck, everyone. The original post was amazing, huh? Thanks for letting me put my, ummm, $5 worth in. 😀

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